How to End Relationships - The Easy and Fun Way!

Having good relationships in your life is one of the best things you can do for your health and happiness. That said, not all relationships are good, and a bad friendship, partnership, or romantic relationships can do a lot of damage.  The moral of this reality is as follows: make new friends and keep the old, but bad relationships should be trolled.

Alas, I cannot give you advice on building relationships. That is not my expertise. I'm best at tearing them down - an expert, in fact. I can most certainly tell you how to end relationships, and I can even do my best to make the process both easy and fun! I hope you find these tips to be both amusing and useful.

Before you go about sabotaging a relationship, you must first be absolutely sure that it is not a good one.  Like I said, a good relationship is good for you both mentally and physically.  People who have strong community and familiar bonds are happier and live longer.  It is much better to build bridges then burn them.

So before you go about burning bridges, make sure that the friend or romantic partner you want to cut off really isn't good for you.  Does this person bring you more grief than joy?  Do they drain your energy and resources more than they replenish them?  Do you not share mutual respect for each other?  If you're answering yes, yes, and yes, let's proceed!  LET THE BURNING BEGIN!

As I see it, there are two ways to get out of a relationship - grown up ways and immature ways. While I am an expert at both, I daresay immature methods are far more fun than the responsible ones, so I shall start off with those.

If, in the course of reading these recommendations, you think of your own special method of ditching an unwanted friend, girlfriend, or boyfriend, and want to share it with the group, leave a note in the comments and I'll add your tip to this guide, giving you due credit of course.

With no further ado, let the relationship-slaying begin!

Here are some of the many immature methods I have utilized to end unwanted relationships - both friendships as well as what may have been one-sided relationships in which I played the non-reciprocating party (we've all been in those positions, have we not?).

• Feign (or admit) mental infirmity: This is a real staple of mine. Works like a charm. Just say you have some major issues to work through, and that you need to work through them alone. If this does not succeed in ending the relationship, you now have license to act crazy. Be creative! Drooling is particularly fun, as is feigned paranoia and megalomania.
• Contract a (fictional) infectious disease: It's like playing hooky, but long-term and with people instead of jobs!
• Become less attractive: If the relationship you hope to be ducking out of is romantic in nature, bring out the sweatpants and stop showering! Perhaps you can ward your partner off in a passive aggressive manner by making yourself less of a catch. This could involve anything from changes in dress to altered personal hygiene- or even the consumption of foods that cause excessively bad breath or abundant flatulence!
• Become dull: A variation on the "become less attractive" tactic, this method involves becoming less interesting and amusing to be around in general, and works for both romantic and platonic relationships. This is an excellent way to brush up on your method acting.
• Leave the country: This is a great one! Not only do you get to see another part of the world - you make it physically impossible to see the other person, and have a very concrete reason why you cannot hang out. If your opponent wishes to strike up a long-distance friendship or relationship, simply explain that you do not think you will have the resources or time to do so, or that you think you both deserve better than that.
• Leave the state: For a less dramatic exit, Hyphenbird points out that you can also just leave the state. 
• Take on new responsibilities: How can you have time for relationships if you have three jobs or countless important projects to work on? By taking on new responsibilities, you can acquire very legitimate and impersonal-sounding excuses not to hang out, thus making it easier to say no to someone without making your edging away from the relationship seem like a personal rejection.
• Stop returning calls: A commonly used immature tactic, this is hardly an honorable way to end a relationship, but it sure is effective.
• Sneak off: Now this is a real classic, and is super immature, but you can always sneak off and just stop returning calls. Does this make you a first rate jerk? Absolutely. And I'm not casting blame- I've totally done this, and more than once- but it does work.
• EVADE EVADE EVADE: If simply taking off seems to mean to you, you can always opt for excessive avoidance (while complete denial of doing so) hoping that your opponent will eventually take a hint. The fun element of this tactic involves sharpening of ninja skills.
• Toss sand in the offender's eyes: This was a desperate measure I once took, but it was, as you might imagine, amazingly effective - and fast-acting! Points for ninja flare.

I have ended a lot of relationships - both on purpose and inadvertently. Though immature tactics have often, at the time, seemed easier, I've learned (the hard way, over and over and over- I'm a slow learner) that being initially more direct, mature, and responsible makes things much easier on the whole, despite being initially more difficult and daunting.

Here are some of the most mature (and successful, safe, and healthy) ways to end unproductive or unhealthy relationships:

• Explain that you need to focus on other things: This is certainly true in most cases, and puts the relationship destruction on your shoulders, leaving the rejected party free of blame.
• Explain that you need more time for yourself: Again, positioning yourself as the selfish one and moving right to the point is most responsible and minimizes long-term harm.
• Explain that the relationship is not working out well for you: If the desired relationship dissolution is a result of regular conflict, this is usually the best tactic to adopt. 

You'll notice that each of these tactics involves speaking directly with the person you want to see less of. You might think of this as a sort of direct confrontation, and in many ways it is, however it is much better to be straightforward and honest with someone than misleading and devious. Believe me. It will lead to much less hassle, grief, and bother on both sides. It may also leave more of the possibility of your relationship being built back up, later on down the line, should conditions change and the both of you realize that it might be favorable to do so.

If you are trying to get out of a relationship that is not only bad, but abusive as well, I have to pieces of advice for you:

1. END that relationship and do not look back
2. END that relationship now
3. Seek help (and any necessary) from friends, family, community organizations, and law enforcement professionals

Good luck getting out of crappy relationships! If you think this is all a dreadful hassle, consider this: you will be much better off after ending this relationship, and the person you plan to break it off with may very well be better off, too.

Now don't forget- if you have any good relationship-breaking tips that have worked for you, share them in the comments!